Little Girls

There are songs about them, pictures, poems. Sometimes they scream and cry, drive you to the edge of insanity. Recently, I’ve been inspired by the hope and beauty I see in their eyes.

The other day while driving home I was feeling a tad melancholy and a bit edgy. When suddenly a woman and her little girl passed by my car at a crosswalk. The woman looked tired and worn. The little girl had a look of carefree determination on her face as she clutched a small yellow dandelion in her tiny hand. As her dress billowed in the breeze she suddenly lost a grip on her little prize and it fell to the ground. She unclenched her mother’s hand and ran after it, grabbing it just before it blew away. It put a smile on my face and a joy in my heart I can barely describe. I guess it reminded me that there is great joy in little things, and that we all have the capacity for that kind of happiness.

I was visiting two sisters, ages 6 and 8, today. Their story is a very sad one; they’ve been abused and used in ways no one ever should, especially not children. It is completely possible, and even likely, that they will end up in foster care. When sitting in their room they began to dance to a slow song together without warning; dipping each other, tangoing, twirling, and giggling all the way. In a way in broke my heart to know their likely future. Knowing that with one decision up the chain of command they could be ripped from the only home they know, and perhaps lose their giggling, joyful twirling forever. But in that moment, dancing and laughing, I remembered what it felt like to be un-tethered by the “right dance”. To let yourself go, and discover a place where you can dance your own dance with no regrets and no fear.

March 24th, 2008 - Posted in Journal, Work | | 0 Comments

…And we’re back!

Sorry for the lapse in entries lately.  Work has been rather crazy this month.  If you’ve seen the news then I’m sure you know about the death of the four girls in DC, and the firing of 6 DC, Child and Family Services (DC Child Protection) employees.  I won’t go into details, but I’ll say it has been an emotional ride for everyone who works for Child and Family Services in DC.  I’m sure you can read about 800 different angels on the whole thing, but the bottom line for me is the misunderstanding about Social Worker’s roles and where accountability takes place.  Social Worker’s work hard, and most of the people at CFSA, I can honestly say, work hard as well.  Social Workers are definitely not in this work for the money, so to get such little appreciation from the community is heart breaking.  I put a lot into my job; sweat and tears, hard work and dedication.  I feel as though Social Workers should be respected and admired just as firefighters and policemen.  I will say along that same line there are some bad apples, and yes, they should be held accountable (if they deserve it, I’m not saying the people fired in this occasion did or did not).  Although Social Worker’s jobs aren’t quiet as dangerous as the police or firefighters, the risk is there.  Social Workers are civil servants all the same. Yet, they’re the black sheep of public service, the ones everyone scowls at.  I can’t help but feel that if people really knew and understood what Social Workers at CFSA did, the appreciation would be a little higher, and that’s all anyone can really ask for.  

 

Anyways, I have to share a funny story from this past week.  A client of mine told me recently, “My baby just doesn’t like to eat.  I think my baby has baby anorexia”.  I laughed out loud.  The funniest part is that she was completely serious about it.

 

Also, I think there is a blind person’s convention at the hotel up the street.  I’ve seen about 15 blind individuals today alone.  If you’re not expecting it, it’s a little surprising. You see one or two blind people and think nothing of it.  About 10 people later you start to wonder.  Also, what is the correct term to use for a group of blind individuals?  People with a shared condition of blindness?  I’m not trying to be an ass here, just genuinely curious. 

 

Other interesting people I saw today: three different people running in shorts and a t-shirt.  It’s 40 degrees outside.  I guess some people have a lot of natural body heat. 

January 28th, 2008 - Posted in General, Journal, Work | | 0 Comments

Happy Holidays! What is it I’m thankful for again?

The holidays. A time for family, togetherness, thanksgiving, and….stress, loneliness, anger. Why is it that the time of year we’re supposed to be most thankful, often leaves so many feeling hopelessly alone.

Today I hung all of my $3 ornaments on my fake, pre-light Christmas tree, hung up some garland, and haphazardly draped some lights around a pole. Usually this makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Today it just made me feel disappointed. Decorating with my trusty sidekick Ms. Cleo, I couldn’t help but think about what I always thought my life would be after college. The typical 1-2-3 progression they shove down little girl’s throats. Get an education, get married, have kids, raise a family. Easy as pie.

As much as I may deny it now, it is what I always wanted growing up. Find someone to be in love with, and play house. The older I get the more I realize that was just an excuse, an easy way to stop trying for my own life. Don’t get me wrong, if you have a family and you’re happy I don’t think you “gave up” in any way. But for me, I’m just now realizing that all that longing and loneliness didn’t come from a failure to secure an engagement along with a degree. It came from my obsession with the easy answer, instead of searching for a much deeper fulfillment within myself.

I still want a family, and children. For now, I know that the hole in my heart isn’t something I should be looking for in a ring or baby blanket. If you’re alone this holiday, feeling bitter, stressed out, cheated, trapped; I hope you find comfort in the knowledge that you’re not alone. Keep looking for the answers, decorate alone and do it with pride. Or do it with your family and try to put on a smile, even if it’s false. Look for the answers in yourself. You may feel alone, but we’re all together in spirit, sharing our hopes and fears. That’s what the holidays mean to me.

For now….this DID manage to give me the warm fuzzies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4Hv9YmhGpw

December 4th, 2007 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

Insomnia

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing feels right. It feels like a superhero swooped down, and grabbed all the energy out of your body. You sputter along all day, waiting for the jolt that doesn’t come.

About once a week every couple months this happens. I drift through the day, smiling and waving. Going through the motions, barely understanding the tasks I complete. Feeling disconnected from everything and everyone.

Sleep. Finally, an end, a chance for a new beginning. I lay with a smile on my face. It starts slowly at first, then consumes me. The thoughts. The memories of old friends, mistakes I’ve made, regrets I have. They flood in now, and I desperately try to shove them out. Think about…a big green field, rainbows, hugging my boyfriend….that obsessive comment I made to my boyfriend. Damn it.

Every night it’s like this. A raging wildfire and no lake to jump into. I eventually limp into sleep. Shallow and disappointing, waking up to every creek and squeak. I pee a couple times. Shut the blinds tighter, maybe that will do the trick.

The few minutes I do dream it’s horrific. My boyfriend cheating on me. People being killed in front of me. Anything and everything. This is my white whale.

Finally, the alarm blares out it’s cry. Time to get up. Another day. Tomorrow night I’ll fight again, and search for the peaceful sea I know exists. Somewhere.

November 15th, 2007 - Posted in Journal, Relaxation, Sleep | | 0 Comments

Oasis

It’s a Wednesday night. My haphazard plans with friends have all fallen through and I’m left all dressed up with no place to go. I regret not having made more friends since I’ve moved here. In a moment of revelation, I have an idea. Somewhere I can go and be incognito. Somewhere new and exciting.

I’ve been to the area once before. A small Arabic shopping plaza with roughly 15 stores. Looking back, it’s almost a miracle I ever found the place. Google it, and you won’t find it. If you drive by you’ll give it a sneer and a possible, ‘What the fuck?’ But inside this mysterious world is a hidden gem.

A small restaurant/cafe/lounge. A hookah bar. It’s a large room with tables set up along the walls. An all Arabic crowd, mostly men, stare back at me for a minute then return to their pipes. The air has an aromatic smell, like fruit and tobacco. It’s clear that I’m out of place. A twenty something white girl. I order a Shisha (or Hookah) of Peach-Rose tobacco and a mint tea. They don’t serve alcohol here, yet they remain open almost all night. Until nearly 5 am on weekends.

It’s almost 11 pm, and it’s fairly crowded, yet it’s quiet and serene. People talk softly among themselves, or not at all. A pair of old men next to me play some kind of game with a wooden board and checker pieces. Two tables of men in the center of the room play cards. There are a couple other loners out there, smoking their Shisha’s and drinking smoothies.

There are two large, flat screen tv’s on opposite walls which display an Arabic language station. There doesn’t seem to be any kind of agenda. I watch for nearly an hour as it flips through soap operas, music videos, talk shows, and other random things I can’t get a handle on. The walls are a deep orange, covered with paintings of men smoking hookahs and pictures of elaborately dressed women. There are some random streamers and lights hanging from the ceiling, as if a party had just ended and no one bothered to clean up.

I fall in love with it immediately. The unpretentious oasis in the middle of a world of the plastic people. I’ve lived here for a year now, and everywhere I look I see plastic. People putting on the appearance of success, beauty, and flawlessness. I despise that no one can see the beauty in the so called ‘flaws’. The challenges and struggles that make our lives interesting.

Here, people don’t chatter non-sense. They glance at each other, smoke, play cards, enjoy the silence. People don’t look perfect, they have bellies and worn, button down shirts. Even the TV displays shows about marriage and the hardships of life. But no plastic. No fancy cars, no sculpted bodies, no perfect outfit with perfect hair. I feel more calm and peaceful than I have in weeks.

I spend no more than $10, even though I’m in there for almost two hours. I get no awkward advances. Just polite curiosity from one of the owners. He thanks me profusely for coming, and I promise I’ll be back. Back to my oasis, away from the plastic people.

October 10th, 2007 - Posted in General, Journal, Relaxation | | 0 Comments